Bar girls do speak English !

It’s a common elitist Indian assumption that has claimed numerous victims apart from bar girls. There are some people who ‘look’ as if they can speak English and some who don’t. For instance, the popular mindset has it that the burqa is equivalent to being English-challenged. Ask the smart Bori receptionists in their colourful burqas at the swank Saifee Hospital at Charni Road. Visitors usually address them in Hindi and proceed to look embarrassed when they reply in rounded, Convent-educated English.
The burqa poses other linguistic problems too. When Farial Sheikh walks down the street in Mumbai in a sequin-studded burqa, people assume she is from the Gulf, and launch into pidgin Arabic. “Once at Colaba Causeway even a beggar began to whine in Arabic,’’ says a stunned Sheikh. The 24-year-old enjoys calling the bluff of shopkeepers who, assuming she is the keeper of petrodollars, quote crazy prices, only to have her bargain back in robust bambaiya Hindi.
Islamic scholar Zeenat Shaukat Ali blames the media for validating these everyday prejudices. “It labels people with an image which they don’t really deserve,’’ she says. That’s why, she feels, we have preconceived notions of how certain categories of people should look—a terrorist must be bearded, a pandit cannot own a cellphone, a South Indian must wear heavy gold jewellry and speak accented Hindi.
A few years ago, when media professional Waleed Hussain was a commerce student at a Muslim college in Mumbai, he took part in the Brabourne Trophy elocution competition at a college in Jogeshwari. When the beard-sporting boy entered in white kurta, jeans and a pair of Kolhapuris, one of the judges helpfully pointed out, “The competition is in English.’’
Given that fluency in English unfortunately implies a superior socio-economic standing, assumptions of this kind can be insulting and downright snobbish. The unspoken connection between garb and gab is so subconscious that one assumes that those in traditional clothes will respond only in a regional language. Some years ago, 25-year-old Alliance executive Kannan went to visit his grandmother in Chembur. He found a swarthy, lungi-clad man seated comfortably on the floor. Kannan thought he was a villager visiting and was stumped when the man handed him his visiting card which said ‘Creative & Editorial Director’ of a new entertainment channel.
Psychologist Seema Hingorrany calls this mindset “learnt behaviour’’ that we imbibe thanks to the conditioning of teachers, elders, peers and the media. Hingorrany found herself in a similar situation once while addressing a workshop on attention-deficiency in children. She addressed one of the parents who was wearing a sari in the Gujarati style in Hindi. The lady was offended, and Hingorrany had to hastily cover up with, “No Ma’am, it’s because I thought usually parents are more comfortable with Hindi.’’
Rahul Gore, a young sales executive in Key Accounts, became friends with his local paanwalla following a similar misconception. “I assumed he was your regular Kannada paanwalla,” recalls Gore, who was taken aback to find an English daily and a financial newspaper in his tiny shop. “I thought someone had left it there,” says Gore. “Turned out he subscribed to them. He’s an SSC pass, who can read and write in English and maintains excellent everyday accounts, again in English. He even pays income tax,’’ says an impressed Gore.
In the first-class ladies’ compartment of Mumbai’s local trains, all fights take place in English. Recently, public relations executive Rhima Naik, who travels from Goregaon to Churchgate, was witness to a co-passenger’s embarrassment. When a woman in a gaudy pink sari and gajra jumped in at Dadar, a Catholic woman demanded in ringing tones, “Tumhare paas first-class pass hai?” To which the woman replied coolly, “Ma’am, I do. But can you show me yours first?’’ Naik recalls the shock that registered in the otherwise indifferent compartment.
The language stereotype works the other way too. Naik learnt this the hard way. Some years ago, she went to the ABN AMRO bank in Delhi with a friend from the US. The man at the counter was a foreigner, who said the transaction would take at least 20 minutes. “But it actually took an hour, so we started cursing him in Hindi,” says Naik. In between “Itna time laga raha hai, sala’’ their conversation meandered to girly talk of how he would make a “cute husband’’. In the end, of course, she was the one blushing, when he handed her the cash and said smoothly, “Ma’am, mujhe Hindi pata hai aur main sab samjha.’’ And as they blushed, he added, “Thanks.’

Seven mistakes women make in bed !

HOPING YOUR MAN IS A MIND-READER

It may be a feminine game, but it won’t get you what you want. Men just don’t think that way, and it’s disrespectful to later blame them for something they could never figure out from such indirect communication. Drop the games and be direct. Effective communication is what will hold you in good stead. If you’re embarrassed to ask what you want, use language which makes your meaning clear. Though you may find it difficult to express your emotions, he’ll need feedback to make sure he carries on enthusiastically. Losing your self in your bliss and not saying anything will make him wonder if you’re asleep, dead or uninterested, at which point he is most likely to stop.

RESENTING HIM WHEN HE DOESN’T GET IT RIGHT

If you want more foreplay, then you need to say so. If he charges straight into your erogenous zones after a few minutes’ of petting and kissing, then you need to educate him about what you want. Men are much more quickly aroused than women on the whole, and they simply need slowing down. As a woman you’re likely to be more creative than a man, so maybe you can apply your creative skills to sex, and improve it for both of you!

NOT REALISING THAT ‘WOMEN COME FIRST’!

Well, maybe not in everything, but it’s not a bad rule to follow during sex. Men lose interest after a while: like it or not, that’s how they are biologically built (in fact they are programmed to sleep after sex) and unless they’re especially sensitive, they won’t be much interested in your satisfaction. The best way to deal with this is to have extended foreplay. This way he’ll be very turned on and he will enjoy the act.

BEING CRITICAL OF YOUR BODY

It’s hard for women to believe, but it’s true. In general, men are much less critical of your body than you are. When you start hiding it during sex, or refusing to enjoy certain sexual positions because you fear what he might think of your body, he’s likely to get very disenchanted, very quickly. If you need reassurance that your body is OK, remember rule number 1: ask him for it. Say, for example, “Do you find me attractive?”

NOT BEING ASSERTIVE DURING SEX

It’s an old, old stereotype: men lead, women follow. Well, that certainly shouldn’t be true all the time in sex. Even if you like him to be masculine and dominant during sex, or even if you like to feel as if you’re being “taken” sometimes, it’s just as nice for him to see your assertive side. Take the lead from time to time.

BEING CRITICAL OF HIS PERFORMANCE

Nothing but nothing will turn a man off faster than being critical. Instead, find a way of gently expressing your feelings.

BEING TOO INSECURE

You want the lights off, you have to be under the covers and you never want to take off your shirt. Yeah, that sounds like some really exciting sex. If he’s with you, it’s because he likes you. So it’s time you got over your insecurities and gave in to your flaws. You can do so with baby steps by lighting candles. You are all set, go with the flow

Which one is your real face ?

When you meet your boss, you have one face. When you meet your wife, you have another. When you meet your competitor, you have yet another… We’re experts at changing faces. But which one is real?
During an India–Australia cricket match, things took an ugly turn when Australian all-rounder Andrew Symonds was subjected to racial abuse by some spectators. ‘Monkey chants’ were hurled at Andrew. Then someone in the stadium started jumping up and down, imitating a monkey. Soon, others joined in and made life at the boundary tough for Andrew.
We may have evolved into humans but the animal within us has not died totally. Every human carries something animallike, deep inside. It surfaces in situations of deep frenzy when our love towards our nation, caste or race makes us intolerant of outsiders. This is the root cause of all religious wars, all communal riots. Not just in India but all over the world, wherever crowds behave in collective ‘unconsciousness’.
There are two ways to deal with this problem—correct it or ignore it. The first step in rising above animalistic tendencies is to accept them. People who don’t accept them are hypocrites. They hide their instincts cleverly but these can erupt unconsciously and shatter their suave image. The second option is meditation—the process of peeling off our masks and discovering our original faces, which we carry with us from birth.
Let us observe what faces we present to people around us, every day. When a man meets his boss, he has one face. When he meets his peon, he has another. When he meets his wife/girlfriend, yet another face. People have become experts at changing faces and thus acquire thousands of them. It has become mechanical to change one’s face to suit the situation. When such people are in a crowd that thinks and acts like they do—all mechanical, all unconscious, all automated —they start making monkey faces. And that is how and why political leaders can exploit them!
Here’s a simple method to shed this mentality. Stand in front of a mirror. Let your emotional faces/masks appear. Make grim faces, funny faces, monkey faces… Grin or grimace, smirk or sneer… Soon, you’ll begin to laugh at your hypocrisy. And this laughter will set you free. You will soon unmask yourself to find your original face. Do this meditation playfully. Don’t be serious. Let your real face surface gradually.
After this, practise Osho’s laughing meditation. Laughing is probably the only activity in which we can involve mind, body and heart. Thus, it is a simple yet powerful meditative practice. It is done in two stages. Each stage can last anywhere from five minutes to an hour, and the stages need not be equally long.
The first stage can be done with eyes open or closed while sitting comfortably on the floor. To begin, just laugh and when you stop, start laughing again. It may help to think of humorous situations, jokes, funny faces, even to think how silly it is to do a laughing meditation! If tears come, cry for a bit before bringing yourself back to the laughter. Don’t be rigid. Let your body move and express itself through laughter.
In the second stage, sit with eyes closed. Witness your mind, body, emotions. Focus on the gap between the in-breath and out-breath at the navel area. Thus, acting consciously and playfully, you can realise your original face.